Official Independence Day speech

by Chido Makunike
My dear subjects,

On this year’s anniversary of our independence, there is much for us to celebrate. I congratulate myself and fellow ruling clique members for our heroic role in the liberation struggle many decades ago. It continues to give us the steam and the cover by which to continue ruling you today. We enjoy the material privileges and the impunity to do anything we please and get away with it. That is why we so joyfully celebrate this occasion, even as many of you are discouraged and disillusioned about Independence.

We are drafting the Questioning the Benefits of Independence Act, along with the Sanctions Denial Act. Severe punishment is envisioned for those treasonous counter-revolutionaries who flout either pending law. They are designed to strengthen our independence and deepen our sovereignty by flushing out those who think in ways contrary to those we prescribe.

When we say, ”We brought you Independence,” you must not abuse that to start thinking we have given you permission to think independently.

We face opposition from the usual quarters, but we are going full steam ahead to indigenise the economy, using the template of the successful land reform programme. The ungrateful, racist Rhodie farmers we had allowed to continue making money became arrogant, forgetting where their bread was buttered. They dared think they could openly, publicly sponsor regime change against us.

Who can forget the provocative images of them waving their cheque books in the face of Wattara, the puppet they thought they could fund to replace me and to safeguard their interests? I was left with no choice but to ruthlessly bring them down, show them who is top dog around here. The imperialists left me alone and even continued to praise me when I practised anti-indigenous repression, but then all hell broke loose when I descended on their previously pampered, previously untouchable kith and kin.

Land reform achieved its intended goal: decimating a group sponsoring a developing alternate political power center. The decline in agriculture was part of the collateral damage. As the imperialists say when they bomb a whole innocent village by accident in their many ”wars against terror and for democracy:” Oops, sorry about that.

But in our defence, look at how hard we have been working this past decade to try to figure out what to do about this mess now. In these efforts we have had many problems beyond our control: some years we have had drought, other years too much rain, and now we face illegal sanctions by the imperialists who are sore at us.

At the conclusion of the indigenisation exercise, it will be understood by all, foreigners as well as locals, that the decision on who gets to prosper in business is the sole preserve of The Party. We will not tolerate foreign or local investors who ever forget this.

Do your business quietly, give The Party its cut of the action (think of it as tithing if you like; we know how ostensibly religious you Zimbos are, heh heh heh) and Stay Out Of Politics. Unless of course it is in our support, in which case you can be as political as you like. We will not tolerate allowing you to make money and then letting you exercise your so-called democratic right to oppose us. If in doubt, talk to the former white farmers about the consequences of such rank foolishness.

This is also why we will not give title deeds to our new farmers. We don’t want them to feel too secure on the farms we have given them. When they become rich and comfortable they may then have notions of ganging up against us like the rich Rhodie farmers tried to do before we cut them down to size. We prefer the present situation where the new farmers know that if they fall out of line politically we can dispossess them of their farms at a moment’s notice. The Party giveth, and The Party taketh.

A big recent achievement is the cherished dream of a one party state. We call it the inclusive government, in which we allow several parties to think they are autonomous under a guided, carefully controlled democracy. We achieved this by simply buying out the leaders of the former opposition parties. We co-opted them by giving them big titles, big cars and other perks, all while making sure they wield no real power. We have effectively neutralised them, divided them and made them harmless.

The success of this policy was recently shown by how two former opposition officials amused us by fighting tooth and nail over the inconsequential position of deputy prime minister. Forgetting who their real enemy is to fight over the few leftovers we allow them!

The country has greatly benefited by this neutralisation of the former opposition, as can be clearly seen by the peace that prevails and the economic recovery under way since the formation of the inclusive coalition one-party government.

Some have asked where all the money from the sale of diamonds disappears to. The coalition government is expensive to run. In order to accommodate the former opposition officials in government we have had to create even more useless high positions than we had before. Many of these people don’t do anything at all, but each must have a luxury car or two, drivers, per diems and other allowances on their frequent travels and many other perks to keep them under control. It’s all about the perks.

As it is, there are constant cries from those members of the former opposition parties who want to be included in the coalition gravy train, as well as many members of my own party clamouring to get in on the racket. We may have to increase the size of cabinet, perhaps even appoint more deputy prime ministers.

After we have caught up with all these pressing essential needs, if there would still be any diamonds left in the country perhaps we will then be able to look at funding luxuries such as better civil service salaries; expenditure on education, health, agriculture and so forth. We will get to all that any decade now, don’t be so impatient.

We will hold elections in a few months, in order to bring about some necessary power adjustments in our many-parties-within-one-party coalition government. It gives me great pleasure to tell you what the results will be: my party has allocated itself 63.53% of the votes of that coming election. The supreme organ of my party is yet to decide how to distribute the remaining 36.47% of the numbers of that future election amongst the other sub parties of our one-party coalition system.

Zimbabweans, I congratulate you for knowing what’s good for you and voting wisely! If you choose not to actually go to the polls on voting day, that will be okay with us, since we have already fixed the result for you as part of our campaign of empowering the people.

Our enemies continue with their evil illegal sanctions against us, trying to thwart our people-driven twin agendas of total empowerment and permanent revolution. The sanctions have been wonderful in giving us an excuse for all our failings. We are actually terrified that the sneaky, evil imperialists may rob us of our main campaign strength by suddenly lifting the sanctions now, just when we really need them! But we are sure we will be able to continue to trick them into thinking we really want them lifted, which will make them continue them in what they think would be spiting us.

But we have a notable success against the evil illegal imperialist sanctions. Due to the tireless efforts of our revolutionary sanctions busters, we the sanctioned rulers are still able to freely purchase our favourite brands of imperialist luxury cars! Those greedy, corrupt imperialists never saw a diamond they could turn down, whether it was bloody or not. Tinovaziva, we know their weaknesses.

As a result of this one and only anti-sanctions success, we your rulers are still able to go to and fro in the style and comfort to which we have become accustomed. We are sure it also gives you, the suffering povo, great sovereign and independent pride to see us zipping by you in the expensive prestige we deserve. As you walk to work or squeeze into mini-buses and the backs of pick-up trucks, you can proudly point to us and say, ”There go our rulers in the expensive cars our resources have bought them.”

As a sovereign and independent state we reject all interference by our former oppressors. We kicked out that foreign racist oppression and have replaced it with our own, more effective indigenous oppression. We therefore say to them: keep out! But as a result of our dependent, impoverished state, they are quite welcome to keep on making donations of food, medicine, textbooks and the like.

Time limitations do not allow me to catalogue all our successes, but you get the idea.

Try to control your joy and excitement as you do so, but you may now stand up to thank me and applaud.